It's quarantine day I-don't-know-how-many-days-have-passed and I am contemplating dying

I thought a lot whether I should write this or not, but then I finally decided to write this because no one really reads my blog until and unless I share it on my social media sites. It's quarantine day 5 or 6 (I really don't know because I never really bothered to keep count of the days), and I'm contemplating dying. No, don't worry, I won't kill myself off because I'm scared as hell. I want to live to see how my grandkids would look like but I'm so tired of doing nothing. I know I'm a privileged upper middle class college kid who's whining without a reason but I'm so fucking tired of not living a meaningful live. I have lots of assignments to complete. I have a dissertation that I should work on. But my brain is stuck. I am not being able to read a book because I'm in my boyfriend's house (well, he went home so I'm actually alone here) and there's no hook obviously. I finished watching a few series and movies on Netflix but it's not giving any meaning to my life. I miss working for myself. I miss making my friends laugh. I miss joking around. I miss attending classes and answering in class. I miss the fucking bus ride to and from college. I don't know what I'm supposed to do for myself even though I have a lot to do. My privileged ass is whining and I don't know why. I want to stop living, stop living like this. This is so worthless. I want to go out and see people. I want to go ou and see people doing regular things. I'm lonely and I'm sad. I'm a psychology student so I know what depression is and I can say I definitely don't have depression because it's a temporary thing but I want to end this all. Being in quarantine sucks and oh god I can't even imagine how people who are not privileged and are simply struggling to find food for themselves are struggling, but I'm struggling too. With all my comfort and privilege, I'm struggling too. I'm alone and sad and lonely and I don't feel like even cooking for myself. I literally cook 1 meal for myself a day and i am doing my best to keep myself engaged. I cleaned the house I washed my clothes, I made the bed but still I feel so sad and worthless. Thank goodness noone's gonna read this but I wanna die. I just wanna stop living. I want this to end soon. 

Comments

  1. hi. so I came across this post. and I'm not sure what to say. honestly, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, but for some reason I feel obliged to do so.
    this post was, well...an emotional rollercoaster, and it sucks you feel this way. (I'm not the best at consoling strangers on the internet, so you should know I have a Wikihow article opened about how to console people, and honestly its not helping because its telling me to pat you on the shoulder to provide physical comfort and I'm not sure how to do that through the internet.)
    I get it, though, life does kind of suck right now. it sucks so bad. it sucks even if you are an upper middle class kid whose in college, but I feel like, thats okay, because negative emotions are not a competition, no one really wins.
    I have no idea what to say.
    your instagram rocks though, very aesthetic.
    and for what its worth, I didn't find your blog through a social media site. :)

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    Replies
    1. Hey kind soul. :) Thank you for checking out on me. My life has returned back to normalcy and I'm doing fine right now. Thankfully I have things to look forward to.

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