How did I come to know I'm genderfluid?

I was 22 when I came across the term genderfluid. I was 23 when I got to know what it actually means when I had to write a paper on gender for my social psychology class. It hit me hard. Something like that has a term? Something I have been so confused about has a name? The next few months I kept asking myself, "am I?" And it was quickly followed by a— "I am not." When the "pronouns in bio" thing started to spread quickly, I asked myself "what pronouns do you want people to refer you as?" The answer was so easy. I wouldn't mind at all even if people refer to me as a "he." So I stuck to the she/they pronouns. But when someone asked if my pronouns meant I was queer, I denied it because I didn't realise it myself.

I kept asking myself the question— "am I?" after that. And then all the answers came back to me slowly. 10 year old me being happy when selected to be the male lead in a class dance (in an only girls school) because I was the only one who had boyish mannerisms, 11 year old me still thinking I was actually a boy dressed up in girl's uniform by my parents so that I could share the same school as my sister, 15 year old me getting giddy when one of the prettiest girls in school told me she'd date me if I were a boy, 18 year old me deciding to cut my waist long hair short till it only reached just below my ear because it somehow felt right, and 20 year old me seeing pretty boys and wondering if I want to be with them or want to be them. Many such instances came back to me.

There were days I'd look down at my body and feel disgusted. Those were the days I wore baggy t-shirts and loose jeans. But there were days I loved the curves in my body. Those were the days of cropped tops or body-hugging fits. There were days I really liked to dress up as a pretty girl, but there were days I wish I had nothing to do with being pretty— I wanted to be called "cool" or even "handsome." There were days I woke up and thought "I wish I were a guy." I still remember the day (I was 19) I had to to attend my father's office colleague's daughter's wedding. I just couldn't wear anything other than a loose men's cardigan and dark jeans. When my parents scolded I should make an effort into dressing up since I am a girl I shouted back "what if I don't want to be a girl?"

Sometimes I feel like a girl. Sometimes I feel like a boy. And sometimes I'm just there, feeling human, just existing. I spent my 20s getting into feminine clothes and make-up, but it always felt I was forcing myself into it. How do I explain my genderfluidity? It's like I want to be everything, yet nothing. I feel everything, yet nothing is static. I am still waiting for the day I'd become used to the 'he/him' pronouns. 

Some days I feel like a girl, some days I feel like a boy. It's not even the matter of a day. At one moment, while I'm writing this— I  feel like a guy, and when I'm replying to your comments— I might feel like a girl. I never liked playing with dolls. But neither do I like playing video games. I don't want to follow the gender roles society has imposed on me. I walk down the stairs like a guy, I laugh like a girl, I live like a human. I am everything. This is me. This is how I feel.


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